Still running away

The rain had come as soon as she left the main path. She heard it now pattering on the leaves in the canopy above her. The sheltering forest where all was unsure and forbidden. She never saw it this way, this was always how it was put to her, and this is always how it was made to be. She ran along further, carving her own way through existence. The sun had yet to set, but the rain clouds had smothered the earth in that part of her little kingdom, and the forest now gleamed with a wet twilight.

She had caught herself only a couple of times, hesitant to step deeper within and away from all of what she knew and all that she resisted. Her feet sloshed now in the puddles that had formed on the forest floor. Bits of moss and time made her slip and stumble, but on she flew. Running away, running beyond. Looking for herself again.

She had left the hills and the ruins behind her, blinked them away in a heartbeat as her skin touched the dense air of the woodland and the smell of freshness. A return, a renewal of sorts; though she knew it was not to begin anything again. The sanctuary lay beyond this world now for her. She had seen the darkness, and tasted the decay of life. She had thought about her death time and again. Stored it away in small pockets of her world, only to find it ever present on her horizon. Popping out of the days and the jars she kept in her kitchen cupboards. No one knew of course, she had shuttled from each thought to another in the dizzying malaise of the worn down and woe-begotten. Left to sit and turn in the sun like an unloved pot plant on a window ledge. Her death had come each time in many colours, brilliant reds and blues that would drip down from the sky and swallow her. There was never any pain; that was how it was supposed to be. The ashen taste in her mouth told her it was coming, and all would be done. Pushing through the thicket now, she came to where she was meant to be.

Making her way into the clearing she, the forest heaved and silenced itself, as if waiting for the show to begin. The leaves parting like the curtains of a stage. She stepped out, like tiptoeing onto a dream, making her way to the clump in the middle of the clearing. Her eyes were thick now with water, her eyelashes shaking off the dew of a realisation. Cracking and tearing her way from the chrysalis. Tiny eyes shone out from the trees, the beasts joining her in to taste the end.

The small knife gleamed in the grey light which danced around the clearing, little sparks and souls prancing lyrically on the blade. The ash had begun to fill he mouth as the black sky above had begun to open. Her world was beginning to drown as she felt the skin prickle and the cool metal throb to the vein.

And then she stopped.

At her feet she saw the body, the clumped skin that lay before her like a rug at the end of a bed. She stood frozen, the rain trickling down her face as the sky now heaved and lightened the vista. The dream was begin to rumble, the humming underneath building like a train rumbling underground. She knew what it was before she touched that place, that skin and hair before her which had to be known. She knew already, but she was scared to see. Scared to reach in and feel her way through a thousand lives and know the truth.

Bending down she rolled the body over, the eyes shining back like she knew they world. Reflecting mirrors that caught that dancing light and shone back to her like the waves of the ocean. Her time flowed through her in an instant, a tidal spray of understanding washing over her. She stared at her own body, laying on that cold forest floor. Discovered only by herself and the eyes of the animals now which fidgeted and rustled around her. The blood had dried over her throat, the deep slash made a lifetime ago, yet the crimson stained her skin like a smashed cherry, licking at her neck. Her death had come a gone, many times before.

This was a moment she was discovering now, but it happened all the same each day. Every time she took that knife from the drawer. Each time she turned off her phone and closed the world away. Those moments at work when she wished to be away from everyone. Feeling alone in a crowd while they burned holes into her. Those were the times she died, when she came here to that forest clearing where the sky above swallowed her. These were the moments when her soul cried, and dripped down into that forest on the edge of her life, taking her further and further from god. Further from the light. Blurring her memory into a stain on the window of time.

Home

She sits alone as the twilight encases everything.
The end of a night that offered little in the way of change.
She carries a sadness with her, down the escalator and into the train.
An unpicked flower that danced at the wall.
Bating those eyes with all the world to devour.
Those lines on her tights that follow a path to another solitary bed.
Sheets that will smell only of her, and a mind left free from interference.
Where does she travel to on these tracks?
With those unkissed lips.
Those eyes that contain a secret reason for her circumstance.
I watch her go, out the doors and into the cold tunnel to the surface.
Stalking in death strides to a land I never wish to return.

Abstraction of forms

Suspended in the air, thoughts hang like Christmas decorations, all out of place in June.
Interchangeable. A word sticks out of the page and cuts my hand and my heart.
You saw it written across my face.
I cannot cry.
I deserve this, you deserve better. Remorse is a cheap substitute for something deeper.
Strip away my skin because I’m dying. Kiss me one last time and bury me deep in the ground.
Just don’t think it’s that easy.
I cannot lay there decomposing. A vampiric nature comes over me. I will rise up and seek out your love, pressing close to you to feel it beating within. Sensing it through every part of you.
Lost in regret.
If the stake in my heart needs to happen, let it be you. You fingers gripped to the hammer.
I’m trying to remember the feeling when the world stopped, and the night overcame me.
I will alter, I change. I will shift my very soul and re-arrange it all.
Seismic systems are swirling, about to reduce everything to rubble.
Do I renounce my love, can I give you up? I think not, so on goes the armour and out comes my heart.
Bones and dust may remain at the end but you, you’ll be high.
All out of reach. When things change, lights fade.